Jokes Online

The Lebanese
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce Gabanas instead of their white robes, they are riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down mid-way eating sunflower and watermelon seeds and smoking argali. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."

The devil answered the phone, "Hello?... Damn it, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Oh! Damn, hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back... Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Great one! (True Story) Don't mess with old people!!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old Man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old Man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old Man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!!".